SPARKY AND SCHEDULE 2

"To be an addict is to be something of a cognitive acrobat. You spread versions of yourself around, giving each person the truth he or she needs - you need, actually - to keep them at a remove."
- David Carr

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Hey Sparky, I was talking to some guy at a party last week and when it became clear he could not pick me up he didn't want to talk anymore! Is that a frickin' hoot or what? I mean, no one was fifteen, especially me.

Driving home, my mind left Ground Control, my heart got damp and I craved you - BUT - I reined it back in. Yes! I thought of others I 'craved' in the past, and how I don't remember why now. So Fuck You. I won't let myself unravel for you or tapout. I won't rot in my Female/Yin for you and wither and lapse, and put work into 'recovering' and lose a year. I won't give you that honor.

I'm going to do what YOU taught me to do, Spark, O bailing ace of my heart, O Tube Steak Bonanaza I leaped to believe was not just in my grasp but holding me, O Multiplex Man who I dreamed I was helping, through MY U-NEEK sizzlin' fizzin' Supersonic Love (Lemme hear U say YEAH!!), to be so relaxed within himself he could and would blossom and grow. What Girl porno. Connection! Conception! Deep thrusts for a sistah, and of course, now I know what that means. Hee hee.

"Why shouldn't I be paid back energetically by whatever Higher Power everyone insists is there? For all of my fine daughter work at least?" That was the mantra. Why shouldn't I win the lottery rocking my socket unto death with someone as funny, as smart, as badass as you, who I found perpetually fascinating and who, even filthy, smells like cinnamon musk? "Why NOT me?" I eructed 'till you fucking HAD to cross the ever-moving line I shoved before you like a hockey puck until it slammed into the big wall of: SHIT. NOW IT REALLY IS THAT THING.

"That Thing" being, of course, mendacity, a thousand lies - the Searing Selfishness of Substance Servility. I.E. SSSS - the sound a snake makes, striking when cornered. I.E. Cowardice. You know - wanking, not loving (wink wink.) Sin cajones.

I'll mourn if I think about it, so ya know what, I won't (much.) I will squeegee that flop sweat off my brain guy style, like you do. Instant tabula rasa. Laser soul rejuvenation. I moved my ad hoc Emergency Synapse Command Center to The Male Mind - which was dormant in me 'till you unlocked it my friend, and showed me the ropes. And you, Mega-Dude, are a master.

I just watched you switch off the kleig lights of two plus years, then blame me. Double play! WOW! So I think I can scam it. I think I've groked enough to white-out 'now', though I don't have your crystalline Compassion Expunger to guide my chemistry.

Maleness is just so handy, like the perfect black belt! It lubes all things to ingress easy because men make sure THEY THINK THEY WIN no matter how something goes down. Wherever a man is, that's where the party's at. According, of course, to him - though he's often an Army Of One.

Si Cholito - I am moronically naive and yeah I saw it coming, but just in ONE version. I saw several versions of our story, and I didn't want to leave your smell. Plus I like that part of me, the part that can embrace sweetness without irony. I want to adore my man and crave his warmth and believe in triumph of the spirit. I don't want to be so worldly that I'd take one look at you and pass. God is the details - well, to me. Causal World crap is just that, in jagged perpetual loops, and once you've spun 'round a few by middle age - big whoop. Who cares?

It's the Chrome Rims that make a life, yo. Soul sex, fun, sharing, memories, nurturing, conquering and submitting, and, of course love with that je ne sais quoi, that ZZZZZZZAP (and in our case, pandemic pervitude.) Without it, why stay? On earth, I mean.

I invested in love's famous 'transformational power' but yet again, Spark, you bucked the system and trumped my ass. You transformed me however with, perhaps, a perfect imitation - until you resented what it was keeping you from. Thanks for what you did do though. Really. You changed my life.

A Heart of Gold but it lost its pride
Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes
I've seen your face in another light
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
(Foo Fighters)

Those lyrics were to be to be presented for real, with pain, until I accepted the fact that the feral scrambling, the Prime Directive of an addict is to maintain his status-quo. Ouch. I never really had a chance.

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METH Recovery & Treatment

Detox

Detox within 4 to 6 weeks. Users report physical cravings (physical de-ja-vu’s) for up to a year, often intensifying at three month intervals. Likelihood of relapse increases with length and severity of use. Users must also deal with a strong psychological addiction, triggered by common sights, conversations, and thoughts. Which if not kept under control can lead to quick relapse when accompanied by recurring physical cravings. Methamphetamine users are considered the hardest type of addicts to treat. Most do not suffer significant physical or psychological symptoms until they are firmly addicted, and then try to deny they have20a problem for as long as they can, because they do not want to give up something that makes them feel "so good".

Treatment

At this time the most effective treatments for methamphetamine addiction are Cognitive Behavioral interventions. These approaches are designed to help modify the patients' thinking, expectancies, and behaviors and to increase skills in coping with various life stressors. Methamphetamine recovery support groups also appear to be effective adjuncts to behavioral interventions that can lead to long-term drug-free recovery. There are currently no particular pharmacological treatments for dependence on amphetamine or amphetamine-like drugs such as methamph etamine. The current pharmacological approach is borrowed from experience with treatment of cocaine dependence. Unfortunately, this approach has not met with much success since no single agent has proven efficacious in controlled clinical studies. Antidepressant medications are helpful in combating the depressive symptoms frequently seen in methamphetamine users who recently have become abstinent. There are some established protocols that emergency room physicians use to treat individuals who have had a methamphetamine overdose. Because hyperthermia and convulsions are common and often fatal complications of such overdoses, emergency room treatment focuses on the immediate physical symptoms. Overdose patients are cooled off in ice baths, and anticonvulsant drugs may be administered also. Acute methamphetamin e intoxication can often be handled by observation in a safe, quiet environment. In cases of extreme excitement or panic, treatment with antianxiety agents such as benzodiazepines has been helpful, and in cases of methamphetamine-induced psychoses, short-term use of neuroleptics has proven successful.

Treatment Obstacles

Insomnia , depression, suicidal feelings.
Recurring hallucinations, and delusions.
Disorganized lifestyle, poor coping abilities, decreased social skills.
20 Permanent psychological problems.
Disturbance of normal personality development.
Ongoing violent and aggressive behavior.
Weight loss, malnutrition, body image fixations.
Lowered resistance to illnesses.
Physical complications, such as: kidney and lung disorders, liver damage.
Possible brain damage due to the destruction (loss) of nerve cells.
Behavior resembling paranoid schizophrenia.