HOW DO I LOVE THEE, MMA?

by

Xanadu Xero

* * *

How do I love thee, MMA? Let me count the ways:

1. "MMA" is a brilliant letter combo, mestizo of the assuasive (AMA), the evocative (MDMA), the epic (MIA), the phallic vibration of the letter M, and, of course, it spells "MA." "MAMA."

2. It has a pithy Mission Statement. Hear it mirrored in the intensely personal creed of the sport's resplendent Philosopher King, Ken Shamrock: " I will beat you into a living death".

YEAH! No poof-y bullshit about 'sportsmanship' or 'modesty' or 'heart of a champ'! There are rules, sorta, so there's 'sportsmanship', okay, but modesty - what the fuck for? Our Quaker Roots have long outlived their shelf life. Only the Champ has 'the heart of a champ.' The other guy fucking LOST and much of the time he submits while unconscious, ear stumps on skin strings, so it is pretty clear why.

3. It saves money. Life-changing amounts. For instance, $210,592,590. That's how much it cost to produce the film "300." 300's two hours were the last time I enjoyed the same voltage of (non-participatory) Testosterotic Jolt that MMA provides FOR FREE. And in 300, shit, the abs were airbrushed on.

4. It's Family Friendly. As a mother myself I'm stirred, for instance, by the love shining from Carlos "The Natural Born Killer" Condit's mom as she cheers her moppet on to rip some motherfucker's face off. (Note to mom: Make sure that tasty little mansnack of yours doesn't eff up his ears.)

5. It teaches Tolerance. All aboard the Compassion Train as drooling announce-o-perv Mauro Renallo either fights or indulges his maricón temblors.

6. It is profoundly Spiritual. The cage is called an octagon, which is, like, a bless-ed & chakra-esque shape, representing rebirth and transition. The number 'eight' is symbolic of renewal, not to mention evocation of the Buddhist "Eightfold Path." 'Nuff said? I think so.

7. It is, surprisingly, quite highbrow. "Pain is just opinion" says fighter Randy Couture. Or, as Tim Sylvia sums it up, "Half of this game is 90% mental."